This is bad. I think I far surpass the average American in the amount of time spent watching TV. What is to be expected seriously, with Grey's, Gossip Girl, Ugly Betty, Lipstick Jungle, House, 90210, Privileged, Heroes, OTH (!) all coming out with new seasons at the same time? Seriously, they're just out there to get me to admit the possibilities of secret fear I'd end up like some sad loser who dies because of watching excessive TV (or fuzzy radiation or sorts) turning into reality.

Yeah, shit happens.

But yet again, its tons of good shit I can't miss.

So, oh well.

Labels: Ramblings, TV

Its so easy to just say everything out but it still hurts so much to let everything go.
Staying strong.

Ignore this post for it's just a huge flow of thoughts I really need to rant out which might be a little personal if you knew what was going on, but I'm doing this just so that I don't have to keep everything within me.

As a final disclaimer, this is but a monologue in my brain that needs to be unclogged.




Feeling pretty egged out this week because of what has been going on. And its hard to deal with the fact that you've somehow always blamed it on me for not trying just because you don't see how much I did. I guess its easier for you to blame yourself for why this isn't working, knowing that the memories are so hard to let go and that I'll end up missing this friendship. But I don't regret my decision. And even though it hurts so much, I know I have to do what I have to do.

Because despite whatever things you might think of me - as a selfish person who doesn't have enough time to help you out or not a friend at all - I really can't handle the time, the commitment and the friendship you want. You're wrong that it doesn't matter to me - it does. Sometimes we all just have to give up the things we treasure if the hurt it causes becomes unbearable. Unbearable, because of the mixed messages you send, the never-ending fear and worry that something might happen to you every single day, and never knowing why there's so much angst in you. And even though it hurts letting it go, I know I have to do this to keep myself from doing stupid things like hurting myself when I get affected by you.

It's not a sudden change or what you or I did wrong. It's what I didn't do, in unconsciously torturing myself without finding the true reason why - because of the mental strains of this friendship that I can't handle. Every time I tried to talk about it, I always ended up guilty that I made you cry, and the cycle'll repeat itself. But not anymore - for your own good and for mine.

I really hope you'll realise how your parents and friends are there for you. Perhaps its because you've always expected me to know what's going on, or that they don't know what to do that's why you're not seeing it - but everyone cares. I don't know what battle in your mind you are fighting and I know that there's so much you have to deal with, but there's more to life than the hurt and the pain. There is also love, the way He loves you, the way your parents love you; and if nothing else, everyone who just wants you to be happy. You probably think I've given up on you, think whatever you want, but your parents will never give up on you and its hurting them - not the fact that you're missing school or any other thing - it only hurts them because you're sad.

Happiness doesn't come easy, but stepping out of the circle and taking a look at what's actually bothering you would help. I'm not what you need. I just really hope things will work out; and even if you end up hating me for saying all this; I know you can do better than this. I'm not sorry for making the effort to come by to see if you're okay when you didn't reply my message, neither am I sorry for you thinking that I didn't try. I'm just praying that one day you'll understand, and I will be praying till you get better, even if I may or mayn't be in your life to see that happen.

I'll be praying.


And thank you to the people, especially to L and my parents, who have been keeping me strong through this time, and in Him for giving me the strength to step out of the hurt I've been feeling and to let me realise that it doesn't matter that I don't have really close groups of friends around me like most other people; that its okay to be different and finding myself alone most of the time because of friendship I've just lost which I was so dependent on.

Most importantly I thank Him in letting me understand that it's okay if in this time I can't find close friends in class to talk to or missing having a friend to confide in, that its okay to be scared to be alone. To know that even as I want to help, I have to stop if I can't handle it and it starts to hurt me. Even if its going to just end up being harder trying to make new friends and letting go of the things that have meant so much to me the past few years, I know I'm doing the right thing - and I know I'll make it through this, somehow. I'll find my way.

I'm doing things over, learning what its like to be able to focus on my studies, learning what its like to truly enjoy myself.

I'm learning how to be happy again.

Labels: Thoughts

Opportunity, chance, and fate.

It's interesting, sad even, how opportunities are given, but sometimes not taken; how chance is presented but not acknowledged; how fate leaves some things unsaid.

Opportunity, which even when seized with arms outstretched, gets left hanging because of the inability to complement chance, or fate in itself. Wrong place, wrong time.

Chance, which frazzled minds often silence in a bid to make their own noise, and ends up not hearing the words of others.

Fate, which chance determines the extent to which luck plays in the outcome of an event, a day, a moment.

Opportunity, chance and fate.

Which one do you believe in?

Labels: Friends, Thoughts

"Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore?

If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react?

Whatever you imagined is wrong. There's nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the Ocean. It's deep and Dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love."

- One Tree Hill Season 6 Ep.3

And on a sidenote, if you see this, thank you, L, for knowing all the right words to say and for being there when I needed to rant and such (: Love muchly and hope you get well soon <3

Labels: OTH, Thoughts

I exist
(Perhaps you think I don't)

I am near you
(Always. Around. You.)

I am everywhere
(You just don't see me)

Anthropomorphic -
I am just like you.

I even have feelings
(Though I can't cry)

I can do everything
(But smile)

--------------------

The robots are taking over
(You are surrounded!)

Silently
(They press the buttons)

Are you converted?
(Robot of this century)

Labels: Compositions, Thoughts

Yeah okay so this is what you get. I know I have this. Thing against people who waste their parents money to go to tuition and not pay attention; but after the exams before school re-opens; that's reason enough for me.



(P.S. I think some lyrics are wrong. Not sure :s)

Labels: Compositions, Holidays, Music