With Enough Soap

Elephant In The Room

2012-02-03T12:09:00.000+08:00

How heavy are these words?
They're heavier than air
That rushes past your face as you drive away from me again
How heavy are my hands?
They're heavier than blood
That rushes to my head as I will walk away from here again

The Sun Rising

2011-12-27T17:46:00.000+08:00

BUSY old fool, unruly Sun,
Why dost thou thus,
Through windows, and through curtains, call on us ?
Must to thy motions lovers' seasons run ?
Saucy pedantic wretch, go chide
Late school-boys and sour prentices,
Go tell court-huntsmen that the king will ride,
Call country ants to harvest offices ;
Love, all alike, no season knows nor clime,
Nor hours, days, months, which are the rags of time.

Thy beams so reverend, and strong
Why shouldst thou think ?
I could eclipse and cloud them with a wink,
But that I would not lose her sight so long.
If her eyes have not blinded thine,
Look, and to-morrow late tell me,
Whether both th' Indias of spice and mine
Be where thou left'st them, or lie here with me.
Ask for those kings whom thou saw'st yesterday,
And thou shalt hear, "All here in one bed lay."

She's all states, and all princes I ;
Nothing else is ;
Princes do but play us ; compared to this,
All honour's mimic, all wealth alchemy.
Thou, Sun, art half as happy as we,
In that the world's contracted thus ;
Thine age asks ease, and since thy duties be
To warm the world, that's done in warming us.
Shine here to us, and thou art everywhere ;
This bed thy center is, these walls thy sphere.

- John Donne

Granite and Wineglass

2011-11-20T05:34:00.001+08:00

You are granite.
I am an empty wineglass.
You know what happens when we touch!
You laugh like the sun coming up laughs
at a star that disappears into it.

Love opens my chest, and thought
returns to its confines.

Patient and rational considerations leave.
Only passion stays, whimpering and feverish.

Some men fall down in the road like dregs thrown out.
Then, totally reckless, the next morning

they gallop out with new purposes. Love
is the reality, and poetry is the drum

that calls us to that. Don't keep complaining
about loneliness! Let the fear-language of that theme

crack open and float away. Let the priest come down
from his tower, and not go back up!

--The Essential Rumi

red as strawberries

2011-09-17T11:08:00.001+08:00

I was following the pack
All swallowed in their coats
With scarves of red tied 'round their throats
To keep their little heads
From fallin' in the snow
And I turned 'round and there you go
And, Michael, you would fall
And turn the white snow red as strawberries
In the summertime...

Write About Love

2011-05-23T23:25:00.000+08:00

I know a spell
That would make you help
Write about love, it could be in any tense
But it must make sense

The greatest light is the greatest shade

2011-05-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

A glass a view a mirror
which one
distracts like open windows in the gusts
a calm day will come

This dream
is in a telescope now

Fever in bedtime uncovers
go unknown

This fright it grows and misses sinks and floats

A calm day will come
my calm day will

Fever in bedtime covers
go unknown
Until two eyes out of the darkness bring hope close

This childish heart won't wait
it dances keeps me awake to think on to think on
you're the greatest light the greatest shade
it means that
I can be happy for you

You And Me

2011-04-16T23:08:00.002+08:00

If the stars don't shine if the moon wont rise,

If I've ever seen a city summon again.
You wont hear me cry, this I testify.

Please believe me boy you know I wont lie.
As long as there is you and me.

Quietly It Falls

2011-02-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

Quietly it falls.

Hands entwined,
holding in
the field of energy between
us -

Filled with nothing.
Nothing that
matter.

Up and around
the corners of your heart
hidden from sight and sound -

But trigger happy
I rewind the gun and
force my index finger
down.

Did you feel that?

Our Wedding

2011-01-25T19:12:00.000+08:00

I am your heart
helpless romantic
falling

for you are
a mirage;

honey-drown
in the coldness
of your love yet

I ice your broken bones
with lucid frosting
on our cake

over - and over again

as our heart beats
of winter melodies playing
when you were young
and still

alive.

Embrace the Silence

2011-01-01T13:20:00.001+08:00

Quiet nights of quiet stars
Quiet cords from my guitar
Floating on the silence that surrounds us

Quiet thoughts and quiet dreams
Quiet walks by quiet streams
And the window looking on the mountains and the sea how lovely
This is where i want to be
Here with you so close to me
Until the final flicker of life's ember

Yesterday

2010-12-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday - yesterday was a little odd. There's just this something about dreams - for instance, how I can't seem to remember why I was holding hands and lying under the midnight sky with a person I have never seen in my entire life (and probably doesn’t exist). I guess I didn’t know it wasn’t real then, but that instant felt so surreal and right it was almost a pity to wake up to the dawn; but that's what dreams do to people, they blur the line between reality and imagination and often leaving thinkers confused in the process. Truth be told I’m not sure which is worse, waking to find it was only just a dream or realizing that the only tears I have cried in a very long time was in a veryfarawayland.

Everglow

2010-12-07T22:42:00.000+08:00

We begin
Breathe in
Here's our chance to go for something so this is where we win and take the game
No blame
There's a neon light inside it shines and tearing the down the walls in our way

I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart to start beating again
So take it all the way

Rolling In The Deep

2010-11-24T22:32:00.000+08:00

There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And its bring me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart and soul
And you played it
To the beat

Painting by Chagall

2010-09-09T08:53:00.001+08:00

I am humbled in this city
There seems to be an endless sea of people like us
Wakeful dreamers, I pass them on the sunlit streets
In our rooms filled with laughter
We make hope from every small disaster

Everybody says "you can't, you can't, you can't, don't try."
Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly like we do.

Shipwrecked

2010-07-15T21:39:00.000+08:00

On a cold night

We lay down

Under starlight

We breakdown

Spend our whole life

Seeking shelter

Til the last time,

Gone forever...

So Let Me Go

2010-06-14T14:02:00.001+08:00

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
And I know what I'm going through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go, let me go

The Old Prison

2010-05-31T22:08:00.002+08:00

The rows of cells are unroofed,
a flute for the wind's mouth,
who comes with a breath of ice
from the blue caves of the south.

O dark and fierce day:
the wind like an angry bee
hunts for the black honey
in the pits of the hollow sea.

Waves of shadow wash
the empty shell bone-bare,
and like a bone it sings
a bitter song of air.

Who built and laboured here?
The wind and the sea say
-Their cold nest is broken
and they are blown away-

They did not breed nor love,
each in his cell alone
cried as the wind now cries
through this flute of stone.

- Judith Wright

You, Me And The Bourgeoisie

2010-05-19T22:34:00.000+08:00

Everyday I wake up,
I choose Love
I choose Light
And I try, it's too easy just to fall apart.

down to earth

2010-05-01T22:54:00.001+08:00

the cataclysmic sky
free fall and fly
down the parallel that
wipes the dreary eye;

grass roots head north
where the southern sun rose
above needles on the ground,
and the tumble tree fell forth;

too dry on summer day
with no shield from the rain,
those broken beads of water
soiled - even before the fray;

hear the western wind
that feeds the branched inferno,
prick the curved sides deep
into the hearts who’ve sinned;

beyond six feet underground
wide open with a gnash
the clouds are choke-filled with
a knotted string of voices abound.

we live and we die;
where shooting stars a-lie
felled down to the core
- don’t forget to cry.

I Think I Should Be

2010-03-09T21:41:00.002+08:00

Mugging.

But at this moment I feel like I need to update this blog.

Or perhaps, another time.

Doing crossword puzzles are such a waste of time but crazily addictive

(And a tragedy at that, should I end up screwing up tomorrow's essay.)

And so the random post ends before it gets any worse than this.

Le Rêve d'un Curieux

2010-02-10T17:06:00.000+08:00

À Félix Nadar

Connais-tu, comme moi, la douleur savoureuse
Et de toi fais-tu dire: «Oh! l'homme singulier!»
— J'allais mourir. C'était dans mon âme amoureuse
Désir mêlé d'horreur, un mal particulier;
Angoisse et vif espoir, sans humeur factieuse.
Plus allait se vidant le fatal sablier,
Plus ma torture était âpre et délicieuse;
Tout mon coeur s'arrachait au monde familier.
J'étais comme l'enfant avide du spectacle,
Haïssant le rideau comme on hait un obstacle...
Enfin la vérité froide se révéla:
J'étais mort sans surprise, et la terrible aurore
M'enveloppait. — Eh quoi! n'est-ce donc que cela?
La toile était levée et j'attendais encore.

— Charles Baudelaire

Why Does It Rain

2010-01-10T09:22:00.002+08:00

The burning desire to live and roam free
It shines in the dark
And it grows within me
You're holding my hand but you don't understand
So where I am going, you won't be in the end

I'm dreaming in colors
Of getting the chance
I'm dreaming of China; the perfect romance
In search of the door to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind

Help us we're drowning
So closed up inside

Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
Why does it have to kill the ideal of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are?

- Within Temptation

(thanks elang :D)

Les Visages Du Temps

2010-01-02T08:32:00.000+08:00

Tellement loin
tellement proche
quand ça fourmille d'habitudes
de grimaces
entortillées autour du présent

ça remonte et ça descend
des rivières infinies
frôle les astres
dans l'immensité du coeur
ses musiques d'accords brisés
fragments d'un noir soleil
répandus sur la peau des fleurs
rosée matinale
sur le visage
toujours révélé
par le frisson des pas absents

Cette faim d'hier soulève
les heures mortes
caresse le contour des saisons
quand tout commence à frémir
dans ce gel du temps
gel de nos temps racoleurs
s'agrippe
entenaille les désirs
désirs de retrouvailles
des premiers sons de la terre
me transportent sur leurs vagues
dérivent sur une lumière
au gré des mouvements tendres
fulgurants
m'empoignent me ramènent
sur des grèves impossibles
vibrent de mots naissants
vont me perdre dans le silence
à tout jamais

- Huguette Bertrand

Atom and Dream

2009-12-24T22:40:00.006+08:00

Under the stars of today, my world is yours. The satellites spin in no particular direction, like shiny dimes in the tangled web of orbitals, aligning us at the start. For one night, we let loose our carbon-clouded past - just one time, the rooted earth surrounds itself in a canvassed blanket, enough seconds for you to draw me in. The lead passes through; but we use crayons, binding the curves of colour colliding amidst the velvet sky. You and I exist in a page of the universe that (till the end) reflect the only matter - to us. In a circle, we come back to tomorrow, where the day awaits.

Atom and dream.

fecundity of the human mind

2009-12-03T20:47:00.004+08:00

I was born thinking aloud,

Until the need to remain silent smacked

My stems of speech in its place.

*

System of a down.

Behave now,
Hold still; let me be
Wired in your single motion;
Turning and twisting

Our words
Deep in quiescent gaze
As I lift my heartened spirits
Whilst you simply let it

Fall, don't stay
For meaningless verbiage
Still lost in the beating
Of battered wounds

Like connecting cables with
Soldiers in file; encircled
By the dying flames
Waiting for

The crash.

*

I speak the root of every thought,

Letting you run past the echoes of my chambers, but you left;

And upon reception - I broke down.

Don't we all think too much?

Far Far

2009-11-04T18:57:00.001+08:00

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside

The Thoughts Aren't Mine

2009-10-26T21:12:00.006+08:00

Where is the line drawn when one can safely say he knows? The human mind is as complex as it gets, the capriciousness of the human emotion notwithstanding. No amount of reasoning will change that - I believe - the essence of each person's individuality is choke-filled with experiences and the history that can never be retold with the same authenticity even should it be drawn out. It stresses me to think that the only consolation I have in perpetuating myself in this closed system is the safety web of supposedly limitless options (ergo sustainable income in the future with a standard degree) when my head gets clearer and I wonder why I'm wasting years of my life doing things I barely enjoy, let alone truly appreciate. Somehow after fuzzing about in my head there always seems to be just one conclusion: 1 more year to go, and forcefully marching on till the end so hopefully I don't live to regret by choosing convention.

Unbeknownst

2009-10-13T21:01:00.005+08:00

For some reason I find myself coming back here every month to fill in the empty pages of the past (more for memory's sake than anything else) but never got down to doing. Another year flies by as I ponder about the significant events spanning the year that'll (hopefully) allow me to declare these 12 months well spent in the least, fulfilling at best. That said, I was re-opening dead tabs on my Safari web browser when I found a link to Serious Drawings. To take oneself seriously one needs the time to let go and laugh. Perhaps seriousness staves off life in itself - makes it lacklustre to the extent of wastedness. Then again conformity wraps its tangly veins around the ideals of stability (which we lavish at every opportunity, more often than not). So at the end of the day, is it really our fault that our lives end up stagnating to the humdrum stereotypes, the same shrivelled structure we distance ourselves from to make ourselves - perhaps the way we would like to see it - a little more different?

Honestly, these nebulous lines seem to be forming circles. Or is it just in my head?

L'elégance du hérisson

2009-09-12T22:51:00.003+08:00

"Certaines personnes sont incapables de saisir dans ce qu'elles contemplent ce qui en fait la vie et le souffle intrinsèques et passent une existence entière à discourir sur les hommes comme s'il s'était agi d'automates et sur les choses comme si elle n'avaient point d'âme et se résumaient à ce qui peut en être dit, au gré des inspirations subjectives."

****

"Ainsi, comment se passe la vie? Nous nous efforçons bravement, jour après jour, de tenir notre rôle dans cette comédie fantôme."

Hand On Your Heart

2009-08-09T20:16:00.004+08:00

Let me in –

Trace the ruby constellation,
Incisions like quadrats on a
Parched land of lost horizons
Drawing the sanguine spill of warmth in
The tunnels of your underwater cave playing

Hide and seek –

The ivory towers embellishing
Livid complexions of curdled linoleum
Gentle palpitations; still they drumbeat,
Waving the anchors to my threaded hunt
Almost as if to say

I will find you –

Basking in new found glory
Clearing the channelled complexes;
The tempest is visceral,
Gone at the door connecting
Our souls in calamity, chanting

You want me –

Budge not so I bludgeon
Disregarding the yielding cracks
Of porcelain unveiling the outer shell,
Petty guardian of amaranthine vessels
Through your hollowed centre.

Bleed it out –

Blending those firecracker lights
My red ribbon cuts deep into your
Inner core where you lay, almost
As if you were waiting for me
To break you into delirium.

You have me –

Caught, dripping grace on my mains
As the door opens,
Dilating hues of your evening stars that
Kiss this blissful night goodbye, almost as if
I carved the life into you,

Yours in mine.

They cry but don't see far

2009-06-22T22:59:00.012+08:00

The beginning.

We start from the chalky lines marked by the faded footsteps of our forefathers. We're lucky, so very lucky - the propitious momentum of time have chosen to bless us in tandem with science's fancy predilections for the class with the upper hand. Bestowed upon us is an inch, an inch to step ahead. A step ahead is nothing, but everything to being a step ahead of staying ahead. And so we bask in our new found glory - but hold. Don't thank the justice served by the laws of science, really. Tributes aside, we were evidently found to be noteworthy for such a benediction in the first place. Why bother running when one is already ahead?

The race.

It continues, as we trudge along the sedimentary path of assumed victory. Sluggish as we go, they inch up. We hesitate, and in our lackadaisical attempts towards progress, they inch up. Again, and again. And not before long, they will be against those rocks, towering over us like mounts of disgruntled grey pebbles (so unceremoniously uprooted from their sleepy stupors every time we kicked them.) "It could happen, perhaps. It is possible, perhaps. But seriously, who do those insignificant imbeciles think they are? Really now."

It continues, so we continue. We continue, with our freeze frames at poised angles of unabashed composure. We take the time to smile at the shutter with every step, but little did we know the secret of the race - the end will always be out of sight.

Did we stop running? Should we stop running? Are we running?

Like a herd of disoriented sheep, we are blinded by our paradoxical actions. But sheep, they know how to run. They will run wild and run free while we stay in our ring of cultural myopism. Every inch closer brings us nearer to the edge. We followed our eyes to the crash that day, safely blinded, rudely shocked.

Where are we, now?

Happiness Is A State Of Mind

2009-06-13T23:38:00.002+08:00

As the off-tangent mixture of whimsical events of the day gather around in a little cloud of thought in my head, it seems to have an uncanny ability to simultaneously induce some sort of natural seretonin synthesis (or at least something to that extent). Before I proceed to somewhat shut out the rest of the world in the commencement (or bid to) of my crazymuggingschedule, I will now sleep on a happy note (:

The words the happy say
Are paltry melody
But those the silent feel
Are beautiful --
- Emily Dickinson

The Barricades To Truth

2009-06-02T23:55:00.006+08:00

6 months, and the clockwork has been running since the end of the semester. Revival was a rather gratifying experience in the takeaways. Finally got down to better understanding myself; oddly enough the first day was spent lamenting about my late submission of design henceforth having no more models and having to model my design as a last resort. Not quite sure whether it was because the entire idea of modelling just seemed uncongenial to me or otherwise, but nevertheless managed to work through it. Something alongside introverted tendencies worked to my advantage; got to know a bunch of truly fabulous people much better than I used to, made a few new acquaintances and essentially all went well (:

RMUN was tiring but fun, got to know very very nice people (who're incidentally all hp students, but then again half of hissoc's from hp). Finally getting my huge break from the leave-home-at7am, come-back-at-10pm lifestyle. Can't say I didn't thoroughly enjoy myself though, despite going to the NAFA's FYP Runway Show 2009 in my school shirt and icky sandals. In the 2 hours of blasting stereos, the sudden serenity of silence in one's room feels starkly strange, for a lack of better vocabulary. In reflection, fulfillment can be a derivative from vastly deviant sources once one takes the time to appreciate it (and in that sense, I'm glad I did).

I should have loved a thunderbird instead

2009-05-01T23:11:00.006+08:00

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Through the simple processing of information (or perhaps none at all) in my already degenerate brain, I spent 8 hours today fixing a minor glitch in my dress for the photoshoot. After sewing, unpicking, resewing alongside further arbitrary mechanical motions, I realised the problem had nothing to do with my bad sewing, but rather the way the cloth was cut. For better or for worse, my fizzled brain failed to process the signals that was supposed to invoke a whack-head-against-wall reaction of sorts and so I pretty much sat there in a slight stupor before fixing the problem in all of 5 minutes, after which proceeding to the point-of-no-return after pressing the power button on my mac. And here I am the third time today, attempting a blog-worthy post.

Was reading Sylvia Plath earlier on and oddly the first thing I thought of was the idea of obsession as a madness. People always talk about excessive actions as something necessarily detrimental, but that's an assertion made in the context of purely simplistic motives - as much as passionate excesses of individuals have led them astray, it is perhaps the liberation that allows a different view, a different world, and a different mind. The vague lines of creativity and insanity seem to be all but determined by society's attempts to construct discrete definitions through the judgement of one's excesses and its products. If it contains significantly profound meaning, perhaps then the madness will hold a modicum of respect and notability in society, Dionysian to a certain extent. Otherwise, it's pretty much out-of-sight and back to Bedlam as the sole alternative.

When all the world drops dead, what is left behind? The same way the society tends towards a strict level of stability to lock those different (one may argue inherently dangerous) away from us in hope for securing a lasting equilibrium, many people shun the madness for fear of being engulfed in its wrath. But is the demonizing of all that is different actually necessary? Happiness is indeed a hard master, but in paying for this kind of happiness, one is shortchanged by missing out on the unorthodox.

I guess essentially we all occasionally let our minds wander; it's just the consequence of binding us, or letting all be born again. By conventions of choice, we barely even consider the questions, let alone the need to decide nowadays; instead, we sing, we dance and we laugh as the world spins madly on.

La similitude des âmes

2009-04-26T10:19:00.004+08:00

- Start Rant -

Perhaps I've been reading too much of the ST until I got all bored with the AWARE saga that has been bombarding the newspapers. Seriously just to sum it up in one sentence or so: a major NGO in Singapore has its reigns now held by new people. Like any other greenhorns taking over, they're new. They have experiences in other areas that have proven them pretty successful, but being completely unexperienced in the new field of advocacy doesn't equate to being a bad leader, so just leave the organization alone and let them handle their own internal strife (which probably didn't even exist before it got blown so out of proportion)? Seriously, the fact that the 2-page report on aware (even after nearly a week long debacle with even more coverage) triumphs even main page content of the flu outbreak is slightly alarming. As of now, I have 2 main theories on today's reported statistics that a large percentage of Singaporeans don't know about the "AWARE controversy". (A) they've not been reading the news (B) they couldn't care less. I'm not saying its not good to be keeping everyone in the know about what's going on with one of the more established advocacy groups in Singapore, but the reporting done is exceedingly extensive to the point of excess. There are many other more significant things going on in the world that deserve a spot on our daily news, so move on.

- End Rant -

That said, another article on how having a close circle of friends benefits one in the long term. It kindof just hit me on my lack of a social circle. Somehow the idea of a social circle brings in the ideas of commonality, similar interests, the able to bond through a special allegiance of the sorts. I guess that's partly the reason why good friends don't happen everyday, but nonetheless the question - if one is different, does that hinder one's ability to make (good) friends? As I spend my Saturdays and Sundays either alone or with my family, the observation grew on me as I reasoned it out in my head, being a, that I'm either missing that friendship gene or, b, that I am simply expecting too much and in fact have alot of good friends that just don't go out together.

With the advent of technology, attempts to live vicariously through social lives of another seems all too easy with a simple click on one's facebook updates page. But then again, to each its own. In a place where the excesses of life is a common addiction, I leave RJ either (good) friendless and mildly depressed or a better case in which I find out that the possibilities for such friendships do exist, in which I'm missing in my current state of inertia.

Either way, I think I'll be fine.

In Quiet Memory

2009-04-15T21:18:00.004+08:00

I spend 5/7 of my days in a terrible stressful environment. Perhaps I did bring it upon myself to take Bio RA, but then again I do guess it is the perspective that matters the most. To deem stress a milder form of mental illness would seem rather extreme, but it does have a slight overlap - the stress on oneself if merely a derivation of speculated external pressure; in which justified or not is an entirely different question altogether.

For some reason, the stress signals in my head seem to be lessening, which probably means (a) I'm actually figuring out how to catch up or (b) I've decided to heck care it all. Frankly I can't come to either conclusion, which leaves me to the last that (c) my subconscious is acting upon itself to come to a decision. Then again, if my subconsciousness has overtaken the decision-making mechanisms in my head, there's the inherent assumption that my conscious mind isn't doing its job proper - which begs the question - am I stressing myself out?

In fear of continuing on a mental debate till my mind completely ceases to function, I shall attempt to visualize empty vessels and clear the fuzzy matter I can almost imagine swirling around in the recesses of my brain. In this state of vacuity, I end off yet another aimless entry.

Till Friday (the specifics set at 1140), when my brain will miraculously revive itself.

In This Life

2009-04-04T20:20:00.006+08:00

Since when have I developed such a penchant for caring about what others thought of me? It is precisely never (in a pretty long time) that I find myself honestly puzzled in a recent engagement in likes of the former statement. Which begs the question, it is truly considered one's character when the choice to conform (or not) is actively enforced? Albeit having this choice in the sub-conscious, it is in fact the inner debacle of sorts that has gotten me rather perturbed.

They say you know yourself best, but in fact part of that sustenance of the being through time cannot be assumed to be inalienable without interactions with peers that possibly contribute to one's conformity. Sure, the interpretation of what defines you is pretty subjective, but nonetheless influenced yet again by others. After much deliberation and going around in endless circles, gradually started thinking about council and campaigning.

All in all I don't think I've been psychotically selling myself to the school. Beneficial in popularity contests like voting perhaps, but my belief stands firm that if people truly believed in your ability, they would vote for you regardless whether you gave them a sticker or not (applies conversely). There's been talk about inner politics and such but in all honesty, I really hope the right people get in for the right reasons.

In that, whatever the outcome, I think the campaigning process was very much worthwhile experience; whilst banner painting with Chloe and Yongen I almost forgot why I was doing and simply basked in the mounds of pretty colours splattered all around the place (yes, the simplicity of it all). Really really enjoyed campaigning (and should Chloe Yongen or Aaron see this; thank you muchly for it all), and that's pretty much it.

Nonetheless, whether I get in or not is pretty much up to fate and friends; leaving it all in His hands with no regrets.

Que Sara Sara, whatever will be will be.

Circles

2009-04-01T20:56:00.003+08:00

Wrote this quite some time ago in a semi-conscious state of about 10 minutes, but here goes:

Heads turned ‘round,
Words spill forward.
Too fast, too fast -
Too fast for comfort.

Faces at the dawn
We bask in the illusion of straight lines;
Gliding slowly, gently
Ahead, with our myopic vision.

Hands etched with guilt,
We deny the facts lying ahead;
But be careful - Dodge, now,
Before they hit us all!

Legs racing, sprinting,
We turn, we swerve, as we continue
Speechless in our heavy
Chains of logic.

With our reddened eyes
We say nothing,
With our words,
We say everything;

As we continue
Forgetting our purpose;
Spinning, in endless
Circles.

Living The High Life

2009-03-25T20:56:00.005+08:00

While I attempt to somehow whack my phone out of its concussion, I shall blog about the bedsheet couture show the Raffles Design Institute (RDI) students are putting up on Sunday at Centrepoint (: The show's kindof similar to last year's concept, but the designs this year are absolutely fantabulous! ($900 CK bedspreads tailored as a suit, anyone?)

Went down with Bobo Xinwei and Cheryl to watch the fittings at RDI today. One picture (because I don't think it'll be nice to show off all the amazing designs even before the event so), sneak preview!

That and the amazing pseudo-reality of being in a room filled with tall gorgeous models (: That lead to funny conversations like...

B: Xinwei, you're so lucky you're tall!
X: But that's only half the package, still need to be pretty!
R: Better than me, I have neither!
X: Wait less than half, need to have a good figure...
B: Then maybe we should all starve ourselves...

All: !!!

C: What? Then we'll become skin and bones!
X: Yeah, we'll just become fatless asian skeletons...

So yes, the designing room is filled with muchmuch fun amidst the crazy pressuring project runway-esque environment :D Okay I shall stop raving about the couture line and attempt to do work so yes (: Happy happy rave.

Wanted: Heart

2009-03-15T22:31:00.004+08:00

"Give me an ear, and I shall sing to it the songs of that forsaken assembly. Give me an eye, and I shall walk till the ends of the earth with it in my palm. Give me a heart, and I shall do nothing but leave it."

"But I don't think you want my heart, sir. It is too torn, too tattered for your disposal. Even if it shall be broken, it will be nothing less than it already is."

"I will heal it."

"But how so, sir?"

"Take heart, my son. It will be left alone, till the tides slam through its valves and sand fills its arteries . It will be left alone, till it breathes no more. And when all sense of motion goes undetected - yes, all sense of emotion - unheard, unseen, unfeeling.

It is then, that you will heal. You will hear the stars, you will see the voices of freedom beckoning you to join them. And you will follow them, will you?

Will you?"

Thinking, too much again, perhaps. Should this be thought-provoking in any sense, I guess I've fulfilled my purpose. This aside, adding a nice OTH quote (and on a lighter note to end this entry off):

"Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back."

Consolidations Of The Lonely Hearts

2009-03-03T23:47:00.002+08:00

I wish I knew the answers to the wind and the seas, I wish I knew the answers to the logics of love. Sad truth is, there isn't one. I'm not sure if its just some sort of emotional lacuna or the like. I wish I could say how stupid I am for not treasuring what I have infront of me, that it hurts, that there's an overwhelming sense of melancholy in my heart. Then again, I don't know if its fear or old-fashioned cowardice, but tonight, I simply can't feel. I know one thing though. I know that the answers are out there, on the shore, even.

I'm just not finding out why this confusion is consuming my very thoughts. Or even why I'm letting it do as it chooses.

Maybe it's just one day. Maybe things'll clear up to a bright, better tomorrow.

Then again, one can only hope.

All hail the abstract concepts of love we truly, truly can't figure out.

Happy House

2009-02-19T20:52:00.003+08:00

In it's essence, have started feeling guilty about the steadily rising counter whilst not blogging so this's just to entertain the random funny people who still do visit. After months of wondering how I'd be surviving in JC, I have (rather unknowingly) gone through an estimated half of the first term. Two years now seems like an impeccably short amount of time to be going through all the jazz and opportunities presented.

It's funny how everyone kept talking about how JC would just be a RG with boys and less free time, but JC life, for one, has changed a lot of things for me.

Thinking of which, a few months back when I was seriously determined to live my life as a mugger in my own shell and stick to my RG friends. (But then again, orientation changed a lot of that so yes.) I guess talking to more people, being around and actually go back to having fun and enjoying life with a bunch of friends to talk to and laugh with; it's an experience I haven't had for a pretty long time.

All the same was just too afraid to try or step out of my social circle for fear of being lost. Now I'm just really glad I have because of all the awesome acquaintances I've made in these two months, classmates, OG mates, and all. Feels weird that I'm actually blogging about being happy, but in all this's really much more than I had asked for, and I am. Very happy.

Our Hearts Are Heavy And Light

2009-01-25T10:54:00.003+08:00

At crosspoints, and frankly; I feel pretty lost. (And to think this hasn't even officially started.) Moving on about the whole headstart we're supposed to get in the past week, I still don't know what I want, neither have I had the time to sit down and actually sort anything out. I used to have this prefect master plan marking every tiny definition etched out on my to be JC life, but as the natural tendency of life, plans go awry. I realise I don't enjoy certain things as I thought I once did, but yet again 6 days doesn't leave me alot of time to decide what I do enjoy. I feel like running away from it all, but I've had too much of that along with the strings that've rendered themselves impossible to detach. For now, its another 4 days of indulgent behaviour at the CNY cookie counter before life officially begins again. Or ends.

People Always Leave

2009-01-13T19:46:00.005+08:00

Unsure of where she's heading, a little girl clad in her previous school's uniform turns her head to take a final glance at the encouraging smiles on her mother's face. She gradually approaches the school bus, still cautious of each step forward. The concept of a new life, a new school, a new future encompassed little meaning in her young mind, with only three words carried through her uncertain gaze - "no more friends". In the process of attempting to ignore those blatant thoughts of uncertainty in her head, she was caught unaware as a girl seated at the second row bounced off her seat whilst the bus was about to move. The girl was somewhat gloriously unaware of the frown of consternation appearing on the bus auntie's face as she grinned at the stranger who just entered the bus. Breaking into a huge smile (simultaneously showing off a set impeccably straight teeth), she paused for a moment, then said,
"Hi, I'm Thashi and this is my friend Cheryl. What's your name?"

*

I don't think the full impact has reached me that my first friend in Singapore (and my friend for 10 years) has officially left for London. That said, the waves of nostalgia finally made me ransack the top cabinet full of photo albums to find this one picture I've been looking for for a really really long time:

8 years back, and

fast forward.

But yes, 10 years (and I suddenly feel very, very old.) Somehow the fact that people are gradually simmering out across the globe doesn't sit well with me. Even though I know it isn't saying goodbye, the advent of Skype and video messaging still doesn't appease the gnawing feeling of a missing piece that'll never be replaced. True to say, that piece is pretty much an optional gadget to which the entire system still functions without. Albeit insignificant, the difference is there, and the fact remains that people always leave. Not being emo but practically speaking, that little chip inches apart with every step and choice we make for the future.

The past, the present, the future. As the spindle of time threads itself, the fine strings still leave us ample space to trace each outline marked by the holes of what was and is not. The fragments remain lost, but let's not keep them forgotten.

And to Thash (if you should see this) although I've said pretty much all there is to say in the card, once again thank you for everything. Take care and hope you enjoy London and schooling there; will miss you terribly. <3

We Come To The End

2008-12-31T20:10:00.003+08:00

The last day. Albeit not succumbing to the traditional make-resolutions-and-reflect rituals, the fact that 2008 is coming to a close frankly still leaves me a lot to think about. The nitty-grittys of 'what I've done, what I haven't done' aside, I think the one question I have yet to deal with is this; 'what now?' So the end always marks a new beginning, but every beginning is sui generis (with the fundamental causation being its implications from the former end). It's interesting how we see a journey as the period from beginning till the end when in fact the strongest influence lies between the end and the next beginning. The crossroads, perhaps, and what we are at now. Yet strangely the lack of any significant change through the year's starting to irk me. Not just the banal humdrums of school life but just the seemingly non-existent effort put in to mark anything significant under the title of 2008 on the milestones of my life. It's not a wasted year I guess, simply floating along the lines of the conventional courses isn't all that bad. Just isn't interesting, I suppose.

Hopefully 09 will change that.

(And another random drawing)

Wish You Were

2008-12-12T16:41:00.007+08:00

Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreaming
And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

- Wish You Were, Kate Voegele

The Advent

2008-12-01T23:17:00.002+08:00

I think its my fault being blithely unaware of the ticking clock as I waste my life away - I just remembered a few months ago how I wanted to hear the full version of White Horse by Taylor Swift. And hence the sudden realisation that a few months has passed since then and that her album's has actually been released already. For quite some time.

So much for the random revelation of the day.

It's December!

Bombs and Bishops

2008-11-29T20:25:00.003+08:00

In yet another half-hearted attempt to keep this blog alive, here I am posting again. That said, before I started typing this I was reading the article "Terror in India" in the latest The Economist issue. It's queer that no matter how many reports initially read on the newspapers, it only hit me hard when news leaked on how a Singaporean hostage was killed in the shootings. Personally, the tragedies of the situation got to me on a few grounds. Not just because she's a Singaporean, not just because of the connection through the inklings of patriotism in my heart or the thoughts about her suffering, but also the realities of terrorism in our world.

Somehow it's inadvertently a case by human nature to take things for granted (most of the time, anyway). Maybe simply because being thankful for every single thing in your life takes a pretty strenuous amount of consciousness (and conscience) which is eventually sorted under the lesser priority amongst the pressures of the other matters of life. But while we sit on our laurels and marvel at the exceptional level of peace and security in our country, there's no better time than now to clear the mist off our glass rims and analyze the situations. To understand how sometimes, things may not always work along the lines of rationality as we know them to function. Sometimes the unexpected happens. Sometimes innocent lives are lost with barely any justification. Sometimes things go wrong, just because.

It's not that we don't understand that things screw up for no reason, but the ironies of the situations in terrorism and our failure to understand lies in our reasoning. As we are conditioned to memorize the cause and effect maps of individual case studies, comply to the principles and rules of human nature, and to understand the rationales of law, the blatant ignorance of all these theories leave our mouths agape, as we search in the abyss of logic for a hint of an answer. Any answer at all, in fact, to quell the uncertainty through the unfamiliar thought processes behind these attacks. And yet again we end up frustrated with nothing in hand; no explanation, no assurance, no answers.

Don't get me wrong in thinking we should start living by the day under a shell of fear of 'what ifs', but I think it's time for us to stop looking for answers that can't be found and start noticing the statements emboldened by such events. More precisely, the statements marking our essential values always overlooked because we have always presumed them to be there. Because as much as we all wish for the ability to foresee the nitty-gritties in our lives, we are still left unknowing. The only thing we know is what we have, right here, right now. While the lack of knowledge leads majority to the effects of uncaring, the choice of making an effort to care. The effort to care, or the careless effort in return; it's really yours to make; don't settle for the lesser choice.

No, no, no, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise, and put up a parkin' lot

TWLOHA

2008-11-21T16:53:00.002+08:00

Rachel is really happy her TWLOHA stuff just came in the mail today (:

And to all those who still don't know what TWLOHA is you can check out their website here or visit my blog entry last year.

"Stop the bleeding. Rescue is possible. Love is the moment."

Chewing Man

2008-11-17T18:45:00.004+08:00

Okay deleted off that post because it was whimsical. Or to correct that, far more aimless than all my other posts. But anyhow. FAM was pretty fun though it definitely brought the term "photo whoring" to a whole new level; like some form of serious exercising where you race around an enclosed space finding people in the midst of manyotherpeople, -Snap- and you're off to the next one. (Coming to think of it, that really just sounds like a handphone game, just half the fun and doubly tiring when you actually do it yourself) But anyhow, it was a pretty amazing experience (considerably once or twice in a lifetime so) Hm.

With Shyuan and Moley :D Tablemates!

So yes and for all of you out there who missed Avenue Q - HAH.

You missed a damn good show, seriously. (Okay I shall stop pissing people off early in the morning) Caught the last of the last of the last show on Saturday 16 Nov, was seriously hilarious. More later, scheduled for an dentist appointment. D: Scary dentist chairs still creep me out after haunting experiences from the RGPS dental clinic where the psycho dentist plucked my tooth out for no reason. Urgh >.<

Bookerms

2008-11-11T09:09:00.002+08:00

Chionging to the new books section at NLB has proven to be an extremely beneficial experience for me. For the first time ever, I actually went home with more than 2 books in hand. As much as I proclaim myself a spendthrift, I have a confession in my tendentious ways of expenditure. Assuming the same way it takes me a mere 5 minutes to persuade myself to spend hundreds on bags/ wallets, the value for books (yeah, knowledge. Whatever.) seems to be pretty negligible in contrast to the immediate gratification of the wants I have for. Other worldly materials.

Back to the point, its the same reason why I cannot go into Borders and spend 15 minutes grabbing a book, reading the blurb and going off to pay. Somehow the 25 dollar price tag does not warrant the pleasures of literary appreciation. Its like some piechart goes off in my mind and instead of the former, all I can think of is 'that's 1/8 off my next shopping trip'. And hence, the average amount of time I spend at borders is. 1.5 hours. And out of that, I buy books only about 10% of the time. Alas, my shopalic tedencies have reached the extents of unavoidability.

But so, back to the library. Most of the times I don't like borrowing library books cos the primary categories after searches are "Old", "Used", or "Not There". So instead of going there with a fixed title in mind I kindof just went to the latest additions part of the JRL. It took me less than 15 minutes (in a sort of shallow "its good and its free" mentality) to find 4 books I wanted. Grab, borrow, go. It's almost cathartic, coming to think of which.

So yes back to the point. Currently reading Iodine by Haven Kimmel. I don't know why but I have a tendency to pick up books (even though not mentioned in any sense) involving the likes of at least one psychotic, twisted character. So yes albeit having huge douses of philosophy at the front that got me pretty much confuddled, I think its a good read. For all is worth, it gives me greater conviction to believe that I am not in self-oblivion when I tell myself I'm not wasting my holidays away spending half my day slacking and the other half sleeping. (Yes all you lazy munchkins out there, grab a book and save your brains!) It's not really working out, but it is a start.

Yet again its really amusing how even though its the holidays, I still can't get rid of my waking up at 6am routine. Seriously, the traces of schooling life never stops haunting you, even in a time of rest and recuperation. But all the same, its back to reading. And it really isn't ironic that I'm trying to keep myself sane (and not have my brain fly out of the window of boredom) by reading about the insane lives of mentally ill geniuses and the likes. Really.

And Then We Reached The End

2008-11-05T19:19:00.009+08:00

I seriously appreciate the miracles of the body, rather, I'm surprised that there hasn't been any chemical explosions of sorts going on after the point where all my medication decided to collide in my bloodstream. That would be cool. So far its just making me drowsy, dizzy, tired and irritated with myself. And of course the usual waspy, barely-there voice and cough and drippy nose booster pack to add on to the real deal. Have I mentioned that I hate being sick?

But anyway, albeit my keen interest to completely obliterate the 's-c-h-o-o-l' word off my mind, some Facebook notification through my email stuck the word right back into my puny little brain. On this note, someone (I apologise, I really forgot who it was) sent me an invite to join the group "Students Against Our STRESSFUL Singapore Education System". Being my usual self (and slightly bemused) I double-clicked to discover that there're 914 people in the group (and counting). Assuming that these people didn't blindly click on the "Join Group" button, that's heck of a lot of Singaporean students.

So back to the point where this bubble-like question mark appears on my head. I started thinking to myself; Is our Singaporean education system really the culprit behind the soaring stress levels of our Singaporean students? Or perhaps, is it just us? Carried on my train of thought with what constitutes of the Singaporean education system when the entire mindmap of the routes of education (which I think is on the MOE website somewhere) which was shown to us once during CLE came to my head.

First things that came to my head - Streaming. Of course skipping the entire "optimizing resources and allowing students to progress at a rapid pace whilst interacting with students of similar learning abilities" part, somehow the mention of a single word (or two, or three) makes all these benefits' worth simply topple down like domino bricks, leaving them to waste away, more or less forgotten. It is simply this - It causes stress.

Now, what is stress? Essentially the dictionary defines it as physical, mental, or emotional strain. So, does streaming really cause stress? Yes, a lot would point out. The stress to outperform, to outdo, to land in the gifted/ EM1 streams, to be the elite. So now after much thought and contemplation, we have officially done away with gifted/ EM1 streams (or so I heard), perhaps in a bid to make the education system seem less stressful after all those complains on forums and what not. But is our education system stressful, really?

I think another aspect a lot of us incessantly point out is the tumultuous homework load in line with all the other commitments which are "not compulsory", but definitely necessary for our pretty portfolios (yes, this includes CCA). But I think we simply draw the link between the two and fail to realise these are merely characteristics of the way the education system has been chosen to be carried out. Our education system is merely a hypothetically structured framework for students to pass through - it is us that makes the system fluid. And hence to me, the system in itself isn't stressful, but the process in which it is being operated on results in a tendency for students to become stressed out.

Basing the education system as a microcosm of society in our preparation for the dark and deadly unknown we know as "future", we know for sure that most things in this world (I'm sorry for demystifying those still in their little bubbles of oblivion) are viewed as a competition. If you choose to disagree with this, you still have the admit that the segregation through classes (pun not intended) will inadvertently be present in our society due to the various factors present resulting in a cumulative effect we simply cannot eliminate. Let's face it: there is nothing much really, that allows for a purely homogenous society where everyone is of an equal standard. And this is what our Singaporean education system has done, by streaming us through our grades. But does it mean we have to be stressed out because of the way we're classified?

Perhaps it's too young an age to clearly define which route an individual should take. Perhaps it's because of the sheer one-way education route decided upon us in the early stages of our lives that makes it so hard to step out of the conventional cycle, resulting in the stressfulness of the entire schooling system here in Singapore. But all in all, you have to admit; we are the ones stressing ourselves. Not so much because of the education system but instead the way we perceive the standard routes of what we should or should not do while we traverse this route. But that in itself is a choice. It is a choice, but the odds of not following is too high, you might add on, and I agree that it is deemed almost necessary for all of us to follow the traditional "mug, study, exam, mug more, study more, exam" routine, to follow the footsteps and tread the same path generations over generations have taken on their route to achieve success. Maybe it is because we have it inculcated in our heads that in order to get to where we want to be, this is the safest route to take. But this route comes with high levels of stress, yet we choose to embark on this route altogether. So really, is our education system the one that is stressing ourselves out, or is it perhaps, just our environment, or even more, maybe just us?

Unknowingly (or knowingly so), we all set expectations for ourselves and in this system. We're forced to look back and ensure that we achieve these goals for the fear of failure. But then again, we fail to realise that this path of wanting to achieve-it-all is purely our decision based on what others have decided to do, and definitely not something the education system laid down for us to follow.

So call it being naive or whatsoever, but essentially to me, the term 'stressful' in itself is merely a matter of perception. The Singporean education system (just like any other education system in the world), may result in stress; perhaps slightly more than the average, perhaps much more. But what adds the f-u-l to the stress is merely one group of people - us. That's right - the way we perceive the stress levels, the way we handle them, the decisions we make in this system and finally the importance of staying ahead in this rat race we call life. So, being a student in Singapore may be stressful, but to the extent we can blame the Singaporean education system for our woeful cries of despair when major exams come round the corner? Not likely.

Okay I guess this topic's pretty much open to one's interpretation and opinion so this's just my two cents worth (with a sniffly nose to go along). On a sidenote, Higher MT O's are over! It sucks sitting through four hours of Chinese wanting to fall asleep while coughing sporadically, but hey, its over! Now I'll just have to pray that I pass.

The Point Seven

2008-11-03T18:50:00.003+08:00

I wish I could say 'I did better than expected, it's good enough', or even 'I didn't do better than expected, but it's still good enough'. Yet again, I didn't expect anything, so we'll just leave it as 'it's good enough'. It still hasn't hit me that the end of the RGS-in-Rachel's-Life era has plunked itself right infront of my face. I just feel. Old, and very much free (considering I have completely given up on studying for my HMT).

Its quite pathetic actually, my studying process has been going along the lines of this:
1. Taking out stacks of chinese notes
2. Sorting them out into "Important" and "Not Important"
3. Throwing away the "Not Important" (Yes, throwing away. I see Yishy and Celene laughing.)
4. Flipping through a few notes from the "Important" pile
5. Storing them in a pretty folder.

This process has repeated itself exponentially for the past week resulting in the "Important" stack now consisting of merely 6 pages of tuition notes and school notes. (Kindof too late, but if you desperately needed chinese notes, you'd find my entire year's work in the rubbish chute of my condominium.) So its back to confirming the fact that unlike all the closet muggers out there frantically chionging, I have. Given up. Totally. (Yay me!)

Meanwhile I'm forcing myself to wake up and start deciding on my JC subject choices. Once again in my bid for my Doctor Dream I am going to take 2 sciences. And then ponder about the rest. Choices, choices, choices. Leaving you no choice but to choose.

The Playlist

2008-10-28T21:02:00.006+08:00

Okay so in my confuddled song-jamming state of mind, this turned out rather weird. But anyhow, the songs (with alot of misspellings in the lyrics) are as follows:

1 Somewhere Over The Rainbow/ Wonderful World - Aselin Debison
2 Fall To Pieces - Avril Lavigne
3 Shattered - O.A.R.
4 Last Day Of Your Life - Glass Pear
5 You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring
6 Don't Let Me Fall - Lenka

<3

Great Eastern Women's 10k

2008-10-26T19:42:00.003+08:00

Thank goodness for Deepavali; finally a day I can actually be a normal human being and sleep in. Anyhow, went for Great Eastern Women's 10k today after a week's laying off exercise (read: slacking my butt off); henceforth providing a substantial backing to the need to get up and run. Congrats to Thash for coming in 3rd and me again for surviving another one of my weird escapades.

Yay carnival! Yay balloons! It was pretty meaningful since a portion of the proceeds are going towards the "Women Against Cancer" initiative (yay for the pretty light pink balloons :D)

Thashi and I after the run (:

New Balance Real Run

2008-10-19T17:18:00.003+08:00

Okay so I still have no idea why I actually signed up for this run. Some fanatical thought struck me that made me think I should take on a personal challenge. "But, no one runs 15km for fun!" Okay I'm weird; I admit it, okay? ><

With Leah, Chern Hwee, Jiya, Thash

And random camwhoring with Thash after the run (: So going to miss this when she goes to London next year.

Sixteenth

2008-10-15T17:23:00.003+08:00

I was thinking about birthdays in general and how they're celebrated till I heard this car crash. Loud, first the desperate screeching, then the collision, then the silence. Nothingness. And somehow rather instinctively I started praying that the person in the car wouldn't be hurt too bad, praying that hopefully he'd be okay. Life's just unpredictable that way. I guess I can't say much but, in the last few hours being fifteen, why do people even bother celebrate their birthdays? And what are they celebrating, exactly?

Cynically (or realistically, you decide), crossing yet another birthday just means these things: another year dealing with the unforeseen, another moment recovering from the unexpected, another year closer to an end. Or perhaps, celebrating a marked year to herald the fact that you're still alive through the ups and downs of the things and people trying to drive you up the wall or down to your grave; from natural disasters; laud the fact that after all those freak accidents reported on the news every year that you're still alive and kicking?

From some rather random googling, I gathered the following idea: "The various customs with which people today celebrate their birthdays have a long history. The customs of offering congratulations, presenting gifts and celebrating - complete with lighted candles - in ancient times were meant to protect the birthday celebrant from the demons and to ensure his security for the coming year." So are we simply keeping to religion or perhaps just upholding an ancient myth we mayn't believe to be true?

Thought about this for a really long time and essentially realised, the birthday girl/ guy doesn't really celebrate his/ her birthday. It's the people around him/her that do. Yes, the birthday is the date that marks the birth of that person. But this date probably isn't as important to that person as to those who love them. And I do suppose that in loving that person, celebrating his/ her birthday seems to be a way of thanking Him for the day that person was brought to existence. And in celebrating that person's birthday, you celebrate them for being in your life, for simply being who they are. And that's all there is to it, at least to me; I think that's all that matters.

Bringing this back to context, was just considering this year. As part of some family tradition, we always go to an uptown restaurant to celebrate the day with some form of decadent indulgence. This year, I told my parents I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, to which I got slightly angry after their rejection of my proposal. Guess its clearer to me now, that I'd probably been pretty selfish at that thought.

They probably wouldn't read it here, but thank you mum and dad. Thank you for celebrating my birthday anyway. <3

Thank you D for everything, to S & E for the time and effort, and to the people who've wished me in the video, in school, through SMSes and all; for making my sixteenth such a blast.

We Don't Have To Act

2008-10-12T17:31:00.004+08:00

Okay so we're both kindof lousy at acting cute but hey, who cares? <3

I am not princess-y. But I still have this soft spot for little girls dressed in pink (yay for cousins so you can play with without being called a peadophile or something -cough) (:

Chewing On It

2008-10-03T20:21:00.004+08:00

Updated the layout cos the stripes were getting too jarring for my eyes. Simple layout featuring Jessica Stam also thereby known as Rachel's favourite model. So yes, besides that. Was in a pretty awkward situation today praying for some sort of moderation in this feverish manner after both my Physics and Bio marks fail to reach the next GPA level by 1 mark. Its pretty interesting on how the human mind adapts so quickly to its surroundings, in this case the freakish marks-are-priority atmosphere in the KS Chee. Equally amusing was the geographical boundaries of the school seemed to mark that warped mentality; when I stepped out of the school gates and started my iTunes its like the mental bubble burst and the "what on earth was I thinking, caring about school grades like that", after which of course the (somewhat neverending) conundrum to finding the equilibrium position on grades sprouted all over again, which got me thinking.

Why do people care so much about their grades in that moment of time? Biological and psychological factors otherwise and even though smart girls know how grades don't define themselves, perhaps its just the burst of emotion (or some kindof hormonal neurotransmitter) triggering that illogicality. Can't quite put a finger on what exactly, but eventually the nonchalance got the better of me. Yeah, seretonin kicks adrenaline's ass. Always.

Bad News, Kids

2008-09-26T20:44:00.005+08:00

This is bad. I think I far surpass the average American in the amount of time spent watching TV. What is to be expected seriously, with Grey's, Gossip Girl, Ugly Betty, Lipstick Jungle, House, 90210, Privileged, Heroes, OTH (!) all coming out with new seasons at the same time? Seriously, they're just out there to get me to admit the possibilities of secret fear I'd end up like some sad loser who dies because of watching excessive TV (or fuzzy radiation or sorts) turning into reality.

Yeah, shit happens.

But yet again, its tons of good shit I can't miss.

So, oh well.

Now That It's Done

2008-09-22T21:58:00.003+08:00

Its so easy to just say everything out but it still hurts so much to let everything go.
Staying strong.

Have You Ever?

2008-09-20T20:08:00.006+08:00

Ignore this post for it's just a huge flow of thoughts I really need to rant out which might be a little personal if you knew what was going on, but I'm doing this just so that I don't have to keep everything within me.

As a final disclaimer, this is but a monologue in my brain that needs to be unclogged.

Feeling pretty egged out this week because of what has been going on. And its hard to deal with the fact that you've somehow always blamed it on me for not trying just because you don't see how much I did. I guess its easier for you to blame yourself for why this isn't working, knowing that the memories are so hard to let go and that I'll end up missing this friendship. But I don't regret my decision. And even though it hurts so much, I know I have to do what I have to do.

Because despite whatever things you might think of me - as a selfish person who doesn't have enough time to help you out or not a friend at all - I really can't handle the time, the commitment and the friendship you want. You're wrong that it doesn't matter to me - it does. Sometimes we all just have to give up the things we treasure if the hurt it causes becomes unbearable. Unbearable, because of the mixed messages you send, the never-ending fear and worry that something might happen to you every single day, and never knowing why there's so much angst in you. And even though it hurts letting it go, I know I have to do this to keep myself from doing stupid things like hurting myself when I get affected by you.

It's not a sudden change or what you or I did wrong. It's what I didn't do, in unconsciously torturing myself without finding the true reason why - because of the mental strains of this friendship that I can't handle. Every time I tried to talk about it, I always ended up guilty that I made you cry, and the cycle'll repeat itself. But not anymore - for your own good and for mine.

I really hope you'll realise how your parents and friends are there for you. Perhaps its because you've always expected me to know what's going on, or that they don't know what to do that's why you're not seeing it - but everyone cares. I don't know what battle in your mind you are fighting and I know that there's so much you have to deal with, but there's more to life than the hurt and the pain. There is also love, the way He loves you, the way your parents love you; and if nothing else, everyone who just wants you to be happy. You probably think I've given up on you, think whatever you want, but your parents will never give up on you and its hurting them - not the fact that you're missing school or any other thing - it only hurts them because you're sad.

Happiness doesn't come easy, but stepping out of the circle and taking a look at what's actually bothering you would help. I'm not what you need. I just really hope things will work out; and even if you end up hating me for saying all this; I know you can do better than this. I'm not sorry for making the effort to come by to see if you're okay when you didn't reply my message, neither am I sorry for you thinking that I didn't try. I'm just praying that one day you'll understand, and I will be praying till you get better, even if I may or mayn't be in your life to see that happen.

I'll be praying.

And thank you to the people, especially to L and my parents, who have been keeping me strong through this time, and in Him for giving me the strength to step out of the hurt I've been feeling and to let me realise that it doesn't matter that I don't have really close groups of friends around me like most other people; that its okay to be different and finding myself alone most of the time because of friendship I've just lost which I was so dependent on.

Most importantly I thank Him in letting me understand that it's okay if in this time I can't find close friends in class to talk to or missing having a friend to confide in, that its okay to be scared to be alone. To know that even as I want to help, I have to stop if I can't handle it and it starts to hurt me. Even if its going to just end up being harder trying to make new friends and letting go of the things that have meant so much to me the past few years, I know I'm doing the right thing - and I know I'll make it through this, somehow. I'll find my way.

I'm doing things over, learning what its like to be able to focus on my studies, learning what its like to truly enjoy myself.

I'm learning how to be happy again.

Some Things Left Unsaid

2008-09-19T23:18:00.003+08:00

Opportunity, chance, and fate.

It's interesting, sad even, how opportunities are given, but sometimes not taken; how chance is presented but not acknowledged; how fate leaves some things unsaid.

Opportunity, which even when seized with arms outstretched, gets left hanging because of the inability to complement chance, or fate in itself. Wrong place, wrong time.

Chance, which frazzled minds often silence in a bid to make their own noise, and ends up not hearing the words of others.

Fate, which chance determines the extent to which luck plays in the outcome of an event, a day, a moment.

Opportunity, chance and fate.

Which one do you believe in?

Wear Cape, Fly

2008-09-18T16:04:00.005+08:00

"Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore?

If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react?

Whatever you imagined is wrong. There's nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the Ocean. It's deep and Dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love."

- One Tree Hill Season 6 Ep.3

And on a sidenote, if you see this, thank you, L, for knowing all the right words to say and for being there when I needed to rant and such (: Love muchly and hope you get well soon <3

<3

2008-09-09T20:30:00.002+08:00

You're the only one
I'd be with till the end.
When I come undone
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you.

Robots of This Century

2008-09-09T19:52:00.003+08:00

I exist
(Perhaps you think I don't)

I am near you
(Always. Around. You.)

I am everywhere
(You just don't see me)

Anthropomorphic -
I am just like you.

I even have feelings
(Though I can't cry)

I can do everything
(But smile)

--------------------

The robots are taking over
(You are surrounded!)

Silently
(They press the buttons)

Are you converted?
(Robot of this century)

Tuition During The Holidays???

2008-09-05T11:50:00.003+08:00

Yeah okay so this is what you get. I know I have this. Thing against people who waste their parents money to go to tuition and not pay attention; but after the exams before school re-opens; that's reason enough for me.

(P.S. I think some lyrics are wrong. Not sure :s)

About The Heart

2008-08-31T14:18:00.003+08:00

"I'm sorry, I tried. But I'm left with nothing, nothing except this heart. I know its not in the best condition, I know its been hurt for quite some time, but I also know it has survived me. It may not be enough for you, it's still worth a try, right? Even if it lasts you for one more day, or just one more minute, take it anyway. Because no matter how much it hurts me now, I hurt more when you hurt. Just needed you to know; my heart's yours, love. It has been, and it always will be."

Cupcake Gumdrops

2008-08-29T21:49:00.004+08:00

In some catharsis run tied in with a bid to prepare something nice for the last teachers day in RGS, we baked.

Super cheng2gong1 can! Cupcakes were super super yummy :D 7 in all for the subject teachers. And cards with really random lame stuff in them.

Yay Shyuan Jiau and I (This is such a funny photo) We're so pro its actually sellable (or so says Celene :D)

Story of the Cigar Candy

2008-08-23T21:43:00.006+08:00

It is, I repeat, not fun to be sick during the exam period. Not fun. Not fun at all. My brain's tuning out as I type this in a feeble attempt to get thoughts going, but it is as if there were some massive traffic jam (its more of a mental image of thoughts drowning in strawberry jam. Bloody jam, like they curse. Okay, anyway.) with cars running about in a hulabaloo on the jarring race route of my mind. And all the grey matter.

But in any case after sleeping at 2200, waking at 2300, sleeping at 0000, waking up at 0100, sleeping at 0245 waking up at 0330, I pretty much gave up on the attempts to sleep. Though seemingly small, this little decision made the rest for me; no studying, no walking in straight lines tomorrow. It was like my brain sneering, "You've screwed us up now we don't work anymore. Now's payback time you idiot!"

While I whittle away in the depths of my doom, here's to the lot of you who're furiously mugging away; All the best for the exams. Take care of your brains, or they'll retaliate. Seriously.

Goodnight, goodnight - Maroon 5

You left me hanging from a thread
We once swung from together
I lick my wounds
But I can't ever see them getting better
Some thing's gotta change
Things cannot stay the same

I'm sorry
I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It's beyond me
I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world
So goodnight, goodnight,
Hope that things work out all right.

Eventually

2008-08-13T18:47:00.003+08:00

"They say that losing the one you love is an extremely painful process."

"It is, but losing the one you love is something inevitable. Everyone will go through it, somehow, someday. Whether its death, whether its going away - people always leave. But love, love keeps things going. Love will lead the way, and it moves us in strange times. It makes us believe in hope, believe in the romantic. Love will keep us alive."

"Love is but a double-edged blade. And its shredding me into tiny red ribbons. They say that losing the one you love is an extremely painful process, but do you know whats worse?"

"..."

"It's knowing you're about to lose that person, but not being able to do a single thing about it. And that's when love watches mercilessly as you cry, that's when love becomes torture - that's when love will kill you. Eventually."

Delusion Angel

2008-08-10T23:11:00.004+08:00

Daydream, delusion, limousine, eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel
I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Latched in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I'll carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

- David Jewell

Inspire Run

2008-08-09T14:14:00.003+08:00

Random photos taken with Lainey's awesome camera:

After the random road marshalling in my failed attempt to self-take photos with a super pro camera xD

Me Yanlin Andrea (:

"They still love me."

2008-08-01T23:15:00.004+08:00

There were many days when she stared at the mirror, only to find a stranger staring back at her. It hurt most of the time, how the dentures across the right side of her jaw still protruded - or was it in her mind? There she was: her almond-shaped eyes, her taut figure, her petite mouth on that face. It was all hers, finally. Hers.

Like dice and dollars, they saw something in her. Something different in the ardent fervour which seemed to possess her entire being, something intriguing how much the desire of acceptance seemed to consume her soul, its flames still licking at the edges of her hardened will. And so they lifted her into the skies, where she blossomed in the castles of her sky.

Most of days it was alright and the spotlight was enough to cast away the insecurities haunting her fragile mind. But when the darkness came, so did the reflections; the reflections in the mirror, the reflections in her mind. She wore the plastic perfect; but what about her? She quickly wiped away her tears, tearing herself away from the persistent questions marked in her mind, assuring herself - "It's okay, it's okay. They still love me."

***

Just kindof thinking while waiting for the downloads to complete. P.S. I apologize for the incoherence if any; brain's not exactly functioning.

These Lights.

2008-07-27T21:24:00.010+08:00

Took this while walking home and thinking about things.

When its dark and quiet, the cool night air stirs up everything she had tried to ignore - perhaps one too many a time. In the surreal melody of her thoughts, nothing else exists; nothing but a distilled sense of peacefulness in the silence only to be interrupted intermittently by the soft chirping of the crickets around her; nothing but the stationaries of the night. There's too much noise in this world, and all she needs, all she wants is to lie on the wet grass and watch the world go by. To stop, to listen, and to appreciate. She wants to forget, and determined as she is, she will forget. But the silence will always be there, waiting. Waiting for her.

A Softer World

2008-07-21T11:15:00.006+08:00

Etched On This Tile

2008-07-14T21:18:00.000+08:00

Landing in another (very much) failed attempt to complete my Lit PT, I have decided to blog. Had to distribute the Inspiration Run sign up forms to schools, so Lainey and I went to ACS I and RGPS today. When we went to RGPS, I saw Mrs Bong (my P1 form teacher) and I guess it just occurred to me that its been 9 years. Walked around the blocks, found the ceramic tiles which we did for art class in P3 still being displayed on the board behind the canteen. (It’s a good thing that with our blind passion for recognition we carved our names on the front of the artwork). Going back to the canteen, every single stall vendor from 2000 was still there, selling food to all the young ones.

I guess what I felt was not just the nostalgia or the sense of déjà vu, but if at all, nothing but a hint of surprise and amazement. Its amazing, to realize how much things in general have changed since primary school to where we are today; our perspectives, our dreams, our priorities, our life. With these changes hitting us all at the single transition of adolescence, its not surprising how we all just forget what things were like before.

And I think its most of the time that we’re cooped up in own busy lives, we almost forget that things go on without you.

I suppose many would think a life story comparable to a story book. Perhaps a journey, a development, a progression before it finally reaches the denouement and eventually the end. So we simply focus on the main character as he/she progresses on his little adventure of things wonderful and amazing. But the thing is, in life, chapter one of the book moves on. The main character, deftly unaware or simply just nonchalant about the change explores new places, delves in the natures of the untried, of developing crusades and voyages. But by the time he reaches the end, he’s forgotten where he once started out from. Or perhaps he has remembered where he was before, in his memories. But these memories, they won’t remember him.

Its all too easy to say that we should make an effort to check back on the old days because of the relations and the places. Eventually I guess even if we move along, I think there’s one thing that we should remember; that despite the challenges we face, despite the blocked roads ahead of us that leave us wounded and crying, we shouldn’t immediately rip out that page in our book and stop writing. Because before that is a whole legacy of pages that you leave a mark on, even if you once forgot that they were there in the first place. Because those pages are definitely worthy of more. Those pages are worth of overcoming all those problems, worth remembering how much you’re valued as a person, and definitely worth enough for you to write on.

To My Awesomest Concert Going Buddy

2008-07-13T22:28:00.004+08:00

This post is officially dedicated to my awesomest concert going buddy Claire. Counting back the days to AC Band, RG Choir'07, Raffles Spotlight, Espressione III (and not forgetting the countless fundraisings as PITs AND Jiangnan) xD If you read this just want to say JIAYOU JIAYI for gym stuff :D You can do it! <3 Love muchly (:

Stand Up '08 Launch @ Indochine

2008-07-09T15:42:00.004+08:00

Went to Indochine yesterday to help out with the launch of Stand Up '08 which is part of ONE(Singapore)'s initiative to create awareness about the Stand Up event this coming October (: For those who don't know about Stand Up, Stand Up 2008 is a global initiative organised by the United Nations Millennium Campaign in collaboration with the Global Call to Action Against Poverty. On 17 October 2007 – International Day for the Eradication of Poverty -- 43.7 million people from 127 countries, including Singapore, "stood up" to call for a world without poverty and to remind global leaders of their commitments to the Millennium Development Goals.

The event was a Celebrity Kickoff kindof thing so after we helped out with the registration we totally went to spamming photos with the celebs for fun (:

The whole lot of us with Sheikh Haikal, Vernetta Lopez who's also the president of ONE Singapore, Nadya Hutagalung and her husband Desmond Koh.

Totally wouldn't have missed out on this event for hours of mugging. For more information about how to help launch Stand Up events in your school or your community, do visit the ONE(Singapore) website.

Blue & Black Stripes

2008-07-07T20:28:00.002+08:00

After about a year and a half of abandoning photoshop and other webdesign programs (resorting to Blogger layouts in the meantime), I have finally gotten down to coding a new layout - yay me. Ah well, at least the time spent for thinking about how to continue with my Lit PT wasn't wasted (:

It'll All Get Better In Time

2008-07-05T22:49:00.002+08:00

On one of those weird impulses to draw random things. I blame the ugly factor on the fact that its 10pm and my sister's asleep so I can't use the scanner so its all kindof camera-ed + photoshopped. Ah well. Hope this cheers some random souls up.

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
(It'll all get better in time)
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
(It'll all get better in time)

The Things We Do

2008-07-04T22:34:00.002+08:00

"What I am thinking and doing day by day is resistlessly shaping my future - a future in which there is no expiation except through my own better conduct. No one can save me. No one can live my life for me. if I am wise I shall begin today to build my own truer and better world from within." - H. W. Dresser

Just caught on me how alot of us tend to want to do alot of things but end up doing nothing. We blame it on our tight schedules, our parents who don't give us the opportunity, stress load, say that we'll do it another day, but really - what are we doing with our lives now?

I'm talking about the usual sense of emptiness where we all sit around groan about work we do all day, complain about the sh*t we have to face cold and alone in this cruel world where no one gets the pain and angst we feel. But perhaps its time to ask the more pertinent question - what do we want to do with our lives?

I am not proud to say that many a time I have forgotten how fortunate I am. Was just this random conversation going on in class talking about who does housework, when it occured to me how much we undertake studying as our sole responsibility, if not us then our parents. How they too love us so much, they allow us to forgo the once daily rituals that children do - help out with the housework, do the groceries - the way they take for granted we need all this time for studying, we take for granted their love. And perhaps its just along those lines where gradually it is because of the idea of studying that somehow meddles with our brain too - making us believe that all we are made to do, or at least for now, is to study.

But what if we get bored? What if we get tired? No one ever told us what we could do. In that sense, other than studying, we become goal-less. We start watching TV, going out, going to school only to wait for the next weekend or holiday. And so gradually, the idea of studying, too, loses its appeal to daily cries of "I hate school, why am I even here?" (or the likes of). Somehow talking to Sih Im and Celest at RJ the other day, we were conversing about a random incident of a guy who refuses to go to school because he felt he wasn't learning enough, and so we came to the conclusion that "even though going to school is crap, its part of the process that everyone goes through."

The thing is, with all the other goals set in front of us - to do well, to perform outstandingly well in the A levels - we forget about the goals that matter, our goals. What we want as a person, not what other people want of us. And the thing is, its precisely those goals that eventually give you the drive to go through the crap in life, come out with droppings all over your face but still feel like a winner.

The funny thing is, alot of us take goals to be really huge ideals, dreams and aspirations that we haven't really thought through. But in fact, goals are just targets to reach every day. Whether its finishing 2 worksheets then blogging for an hour before enjoying the rest of your day or simply sitting down and arranging your desk, its still something you want to be done that can be done.

Its hard to say this for everyone - but when you start to lose faith - try thinking back to the time where you had those "To Do" lists and have that sense of satisfaction for every tick you check in the box. Because it's only then that you find the satisfaction in the small little things, it's only then that you structure your life to be what you want it to be, it's only then that you really enjoy the ride while you're on it.

I Took My Love Down To Violet Hill

2008-07-01T20:58:00.003+08:00

Letters...

(And then there's more...)

Its not very clear because I really can't be bothered to load the clearer one from my camera, but as a distraction to my Lit PT (or the lackof) yesterday, decided to clear out my cupboard and realised I had these 2 boxes stuffed with letters from Sec 1/2/3. (At that moment it did occur to me that I had a third box which's probably MIA, lying in some desolate corner of my room) So decided to open it up (as seen messed up on the floor) to sort it out and read some of the letters.

Its this mixed feeling of reading countless letters from people you don't talk to anymore, people who have distanced, people who've left, people who've changed and most importantly the people that still stay true. On that note, further separated the huge pile into the stuff that really mattered, and like our wonderful nonsense DNA, only about 10 letters remained. Decided to store them in the pretty Japanese box and packed the rest back.

I guess sometimes we just all really wish that there was a day we could go back to relive those moments. Its just these moments when you remember, then you get scared because the sender could've forgotten how it was before.

Perhaps all we need to do is to remind each other, lest we forget.

But what happens if we both don't remember?

Talent Vogue'08

2008-06-28T22:23:00.003+08:00

Talent Vogue (: Okay so after bringing my camera I stupidly leave it in my school bag which I left at home before I came to school so all that's left is blurry images.

Yay at the bubble-tea booth that practically sold out by the start of the concert with Xiner and Elaine (the small one).

More on other things later while I proceed to write my 50th word of my Lit PT.

Inspire Run

2008-06-24T21:10:00.002+08:00

Here's a little bit of shameless advertising:

When: 3rd August 2008
Where: National University of Singapore Bukit Timah Campus, outside Block B
Organisers: Inspire '08

Activities Attractive prizes from our generous sponsors
Short but lively concert by school performers
Corporate Booths and Fund Raising Stalls

Running Events The Competitive Runs are one of the main highlights of the Inspire Run '08 because there are attractive prizes to be won. Top 3 runners will win prizes.

- Competitive 8KM Men’s Open (Registration costs S$15)
- Competitive 4KM Men’s Under 18 (Registration costs S$15)
- Competitive 8KM Women’s Open (Registration costs S$15)
- Competitive 4KM Women’s Under 18 (Registration costs S$15)

The Mass Run event is for the whole family, this is a non-competitive leisure run that doesn’t require participants to run the full distance.
- 4KM Mass Run (Registration costs S$15)

The Kids Dash is a special race for the kids! Only for P3 - P6 kids.
- 1.5KM Kids Dash (Registration costs S$5)

Please visit http://inspirationrun.com/ to register!

In The Q

2008-06-20T03:36:00.004+08:00

On saturday when I was out at Bugis going for tuition, I stopped by Tori-Q to grab some of their yakitori sticks when I saw a mother and her son along with his grandmother standing infront of the display pointing and speaking in a voice that ensured everyone in the 5m radius was aware of their conversation. After discussing whether they should buy anything, the mother suddenly exclaimed really loudly "oi boy, you better study hard, if not you come and word here" before crossing her arms and walking off.

I think I was as stunned as the guy over the counter who practically paused with the yakitori stick mid-air dripping sauce over the unopened plastic pouch for the next order. Just made me think alot about the society we're in today. I don't really think it was so much of the kiasu kiasi ("scared of death" in Hokkien) mentality that we as Singaporeans have long established to be our trademark, but the very fact of politeness or even thoughtfulness before such words come out of our mouths.

I'm not even going to bother disproving the fact that that statement was utter rubbish (since when does service industry=people who can't study?) but instead just. Wondering what the child must be thinking when his mother told him that. I suppose yes, we've all gotten those don't-study-and-you-become-a-road-sweeper jokes from our parents but the sheer seriousness which that mother lectured her kid was just. Odd, to say the least.

Parents want the best for their children, and as part of this society of which the amount of As on your academic certificate seem to be proportionate to your self-value, the pressure is paramount already. But by setting such an example for children with this mindset, this behaviour and this attitude is definitely not going to develop them positively in either way.

What's wrong with being a Tori-Q guy (even though he looked kindof kiampa)?

And on a more positive tone,
BALLACK JUST SCORED A GOAL!
:D 3-1 to Germany!

2008-06-16T04:49:00.003+08:00

TURKEY VS CZECH
3-2!!

2 goals from Kahveci in 2 minutes!
(87',89')
OMW seriously, go watch the replays.

Have A Break, Have A Kit Kat.

2008-06-16T02:19:00.001+08:00

Waiting for the matches to start, but anyhow. The two weeks in Europe was a very satisfying break I must say. The architecture of the cities of France, Italy, the alps of Mt Titlis, scenery at Switzerland and Austria was in one word breathtaking. Just perhaps took a moment to sit down and reflect on the first half of the year and how I’ve been spending it, trying to study, feeling pretty fucked up at times due to various problems and whatnot. Perhaps it’s the same reason why we all enjoy the holidays so much – whether it is indeed for relaxation, for more time to pursue what we want or to just recuperate for the battle of the next half of the year – there just seems to be some common point where we all want to take a breather, and just do one thing to save our souls from insanity. We all want to escape.

I guess I’m speaking for myself with the days of attending school and feeling like I’m wasting all my time with most of the words coming in and out of my head because I don’t understand things for 6 hours on roll, or perhaps just reminiscing about those ‘If your life was a movie, would it be worth watching’ moments where we come to this point in time where we realize all we’re doing’s living the day as it goes by. I think its pretty much inevitable that having activities recurring over and over day by day will leave anyone feeling aimless, feeling bored or simply pissed off wondering what they’re doing with their lives. Then the opportunity comes, perhaps a chance to finally escape that mundane lifestyle. I’ve very much heard it well and often that when it comes to a problem, we should never try to run away from it but instead to identify the areas of contention to handle it in a step by step approach, but somehow through the years I’ve never been told how to handle the sordidness of reality which binds firmly into our scheduled school life.

In an attempt not to sound too cynical, the truth is that there’s really no bad way to spend a holiday. Despite the silence in response to the awkward cheerfulness of teachers who exclaim ‘I’m sure you spent your holidays well’ or the protests of having to come back to school for CCA, we’ve all managed to do one thing – escape waking up at 6am every morning. So I guess whether your time was spent sleeping in, or learning new skills (or used much more optimally by staying up to watch Euro 2008), it doesn’t really make that much of a difference so as long as you enjoy your deserving month of rest and recuperation. Perhaps it is because most of the time we have a holiday, the sudden stream of free time that pours into our once hectic lifestyles catch us by surprise and before we know it – it goes past and slips out right through the window. But no matter how it was used, even if we can’t really get out of the problems and pressure in our life, at least take comfort in knowing the next Esc button isn’t too far away.

The Love

2008-06-15T10:51:00.003+08:00

Temporarily abandoning my blog in favour of staying up through the early mornings watching the UEFA Euro 2008.

Seriously, its worth it.

Paris/ Netherlands

2008-06-05T03:40:00.001+08:00

Realised I forgot to mention that I'm away but. Anyhow the 3rd day and its pretty awesome other than the fact that I don't understand a single word here. More when I get back (:

YCAS'08

2008-05-31T21:43:00.004+08:00

To sum it up in a few words; the Youth for Community Activism Symposium 08 was a 3-day symposium dealing with the different SLs to formulate solutions regarding certain community problems faced by the different sectors. So yeah through the three days learnt about youth activism, heard speeches by MPs and got to know many amazing people (: Photo spammage ahead -kudos to Huishan and Xiner (thanks!) :D

Chelsea, Me, Peirong

Me, Huishan and Peirong (:

Lydia, Me, Xiner, Sarah, Bahiah

The attempted Y-O-U-T-H

The Raffles Youth xD

Camwhoring in the toilet

At Cine (:

Also, on a more random note. I'm sure alot of y'all get bored at home sitting around doing nothing but watch TV or whatnot, so do take time to check out Freerice.com.

To those who haven't heard about freerice.com, its basically a vocabulary game where you choose a synonym to a word and for each question you get correct, freerice.com will donate 20 grains of rice through the UN World Food Program to help end hunger. Guess it falls back to the fact that each and every one of us can make a difference, whether you're talking about 20 grains or a 1000. So yep please spare some time to help with this cause (and not leave your brain to rot away during the June holidays!)

Just to sum it all up, take care one and all as I will only be back on the 15th, away to Europe on my wonderful dessert fest and French cuisine (: Enjoy the rest of the holidays.

I'd Rather Be Without Than Be Without You

2008-05-27T18:14:00.005+08:00

Okay yes so its supposed to be the holidays but I'm pretty much stuck on the same junk just with double the time. Stuck on Secondhand Serenade after Claire and Celest shared of their existence, watched tons of movies. Preparing for my trip to Europe and learning that I have to say this line - "Désoléz, je ne parle pas française. Parle vous anglais?" - as a first-liner in Paris and many other random short french phrases courtesy of Paul through the weekend was just about the only fulfilling thing I have done through the holidays. So much for that, I seriously need to get myself out of bed and actually do something before school starts.

Random photos when I finally got bored and decided to stare straight up at the pretty sky.

Hiatus

2008-05-08T20:48:00.002+08:00

Away, away and away.
Away for three days.

And to you, thank you for today <3

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - A Return To Love, Marianne Williamson

If This Is How You Want To Forget

2008-05-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

If this
Is how you want to forget
The sigh of the broken moon
When its fallen star
Landed in the sea
Of silver storms then
I will choose to sail
With those little boats
Towards the silent isles
Of memories without you where
They wait for me.

I Only Know How To Smile

2008-05-02T20:43:00.006+08:00

Mak: This country no good. People no good. When I sell food, I wear badge. Smile. I smile. I go Woodbridge. Got poster. Smile. I smile. I see Woodbridge doctor. He say how many percent become better, how many percent don't become better. He smile. I smile. I see social worker. She say how many percent must take medicine for few months, how many percent must take always. If daughter mad, how many percent mother also mad. She smile. I smile. I go home, I see the mirror. I smile. I cannot laugh. I cannot cry. Because I only know how to smile. I only know how to smile.

From Off Centre, by Haresh Sharma

The Ocean Rows Us Away

2008-04-27T20:49:00.003+08:00

Upon my fascinating discovery of Sidereel, I have evolved into a sedentary potato lying on my bed watching One Tree Hill while waiting for Greys and Gossip Girls (and the likes) to load and then play them on rotational basis to make the most efficient use of my time.

Yes, I swear there is not other efficient way of spending it.
(Did you say studying?)

But anyhow for that matter. I don't think much's happened over the weekend though I'm pretty glad we went for SSEF. I have been clandestinely been pining for that $150 Borders book voucher (yes May, I'm crafting methods of stealing your portion of it. Maybe you can take my trophy? :D) since I missed the prize presentation on Saturday.

Anyhow, this's a desperate call for anyone to tell me how to start studying. Though my time schedule's always written down on a pretty sheet of paper, it is also partly my fault that those sheets of paper get crunched up and chucked into the bin without a single cancellation stroke.

There's no impetus, so for now I'll continue deluding myself.

Besides, watching House makes me feel so much better than studying.

(And on a sidenote because for some reason I feel horribly guilty to be blogging twice in two days. Okay so I am typing a short entry now but I insist that I'm trying to trick myself into believing I'm not typing. Whatever, go ahead and laugh. I will pout back at you and continue.) It just occured to me that alot of people have forsaken their blogs. These are the people who actually blog about things worth thinking, but I guess the problem's that they tend to stop posting because of the lack of things to say that actually mean something. Based on this revolutionary theory I'm sure you all haven't heard of called the survival of the (fittest/ most thick-skinned), soon all will be annihilated but the people with posts that go 'Yet another post about what I have accomplished today in my Very Very Very interesting life - Photos included w0rrx!' Which's sad, kindof.

Songs To Love And Die By

2008-04-23T22:19:00.002+08:00

Brooke: I thought I'd find you here. I remember when I found you down here when your mom died.
Peyton: That was 8 years ago. You know Ellie used to watch us down here. She told me that once.
Brooke: It's not going to be like that this time Peyton. You're not going to lose Lucas and Haley the way you lost Ellie and your mom.
Peyton: Or like I lost you? I miss you Brooke.
Brooke: I'm still here.
Peyton: Can we be friends again? Please?
Brooke: Sure.
Peyton: Like before?
Brooke: I'm sorry Peyton, I don't think so. Like before is gone.

The Painter

2008-04-13T23:45:00.005+08:00

It is white.

An empty white canvas
With a palette of red.
Landing on the broken bristles,
They smiled and closed.

He had what he needed.

Emphasizing his control in balance,
Every accidental stroke was covered
In a fiery passion of what burned deep within.
More red, he needed more red.

He was red.

The pastel an intense sanguine.
He continued to stroke and brush
His hopes, his dreams, his expectations
Embedding them in the deep red canvas.

He was immortalized.

He lay on the linoleum floor,
His hands stone cold as he ran through
The impasto of neglected history,
Vitrolic tones and acerbic words.

They smiled and closed.

In a simple gesture of formality,
They stepped out of the canvas -
In search for him, but
Where was he?

The auburn stains spoke the lies
Of the truth in their comfort
Lines of red draining
His pale aura lying forgotten -

Wasted.

Too much paint wasted.

Ignoring the rara avis,
Unwanted tears fell over
The pallid skin of what remained
That was not meant to be remembered.

He was white.

It was an empty red canvas,
Caught in the scarlet flames of the furnace
Of his soul in the world
That turned to ash at their touch.

They killed him.

(Guess its been a really long time since I've written anything substantial at all. This isn't too good with my head in a mess, but anyhow, enjoy.)

Sports Fest

2008-04-06T21:40:00.002+08:00

Not much to post since I was sitting at the front most of the time not really knowing what to do but sit there as a spectator with an awesome view of the finish line and the cheerleading routines. So anyhow.

Another random picture of Hadley Sec 1s before the mass dance while standing behind the sea of purple bandanas.

And henceforth ends the post (which should really be much more interesting). On the sidenote on my Grey's Anatomy spree, here're 5 songs that you could contemplate downloading if you're bored of your current stash in iTunes:

1) Sailed On - Landon Pigg
2) When You Love Someone - Bethany Dillon
3) Love Will Come Through - Travis
4) Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol
5) Scratch - Kendall Payne

To your own discretion on Rachel's pretty odd music taste so.

If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone

"And dances there with you."

2008-03-31T21:29:00.004+08:00

Not sure if its just me or having the amounts of work pile up before starting to realize you actually have to do them, then realizing that there's no motivation whatsoever to get anything done in the first place. Anyhow, was reading Edward Monkton's little wisdom books at MPH at Raffles City Shopping Centre the other day. Guess they don't have a lot of the series but there was just this one and it was labeled happiness. For those who don't know who Edward Monkton is, he's this pretty ingenious card designer Giles Andreae (yeah Monkton's just his persona). Basically he just designs these cartoon designs with random interesting thoughts and statements.

Anyhow, I guess its simply because each page means something different in this slapstick funny manner and that's what makes people fork out the money to buy them (well along with the really cute drawings of course). Just came across two pages of the book that I found were extremely meaningful. One was titled 'That Still and Settled Place' while the other was titled "Love and Happiness". Just wanted to share it both so;

That STILL and SETTLED Place
In that STILL and SETTLED place
There's nobody but you
You're where I BREATHE my oxygen
You're where I SEE my view
And when the world feels full of noise
My HEART knows what to do
it finds that STILL and SETTLED place
And DANCES there with YOU.

I guess once again the poem here's pretty self-explanatory. Though we have all those amazing compositions about love – lyrics, poetry where we have a dictionary by our side and still have not a single clue what they're talking about exactly –don't really think this talks really about all the hot-headed passion, but instead the peace of understanding. The tranquility of just being even though you may not know why or what or how. Just like the confusion sometimes that we all face, sooner or later.

I don't know why, but somehow most of the time works, when talking about love or friendship always discuss the idea how everything's always beautiful and amazing while you're able to confide in someone. But the thing is if there is a problem, then pretty mirages the fantasist comes up with will just be classified as delusional in the world of reality. But what hit me hard about the still and settled place is that. We all know we have to face our problems, eventually, to deal with them one way or the other. But its just that sometimes we do need a break. To stop, sit back in that quiet little place that lets us regain our sanity, breathe and recharge before moving on in that continuous battle.

Personally I think most of our hearts don't know what to do. When we get sad, frustrated, angry because there's just too much going on. All the more it gets to me, to hope that someday my heart will know when it needs to find that still and settled place, and to dance there, happy as it can be. Because sometimes we need a break, let go of everything, be wild and free.

Love and Happiness
Let us remember that in this RICH and BEAUTIFUL world there are only two things worth living for – LOVE and HAPPINESS.

The words are just so innocent you wonder why we move along and forget all the simple things like these that make life worth living in the first place. Perhaps its because we derivate, people do heinous crimes, people backstab. Perhaps its because the world isn't as pretty a place as it were with just trees animals and us. Perhaps we all returned to the way things were, decided that fighting was more appealing, that selfish was the way to go. Keep asking myself what exactly is happiness but I never really get the word out, never really understand. Here we are all in the pursuit of happiness, when perhaps we're just never satisfied with what we have? I guess self-satisfaction plays a role in the works of contentment and happiness, but when will we ever be content? How often do we sit down and thank Him for all that we have in our lives instead of grumbling about what we don't have? When do we start appreciating things before they're gone? There're too many questions, but there always are and we can never answer all of them. Maybe all we need to do is just take a step back to the past where we knew the answers straight and simple, and keep it there in our hearts.

Anyhow for those who want to find out more about Edward Monkton, his website and the catalogue if you wish to view more of his designs.

Also, just a call out to all the people out there who actually read this blog; if you're a student who's good at video making/ photoshop/ IT stuff and can commit to a pretty large scale project, please email me at rewindthegun@gmail.com. So that's all for now, while I go back to pretending to study biology.